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Dan Uggla Inconsolable After Discovering World of Warcraft Account Hacked

Dan Uggla looks on shortly before descending into hysteria

Atlanta Braves second baseman Dan Uggla was found sobbing in the corner of the locker room this morning, following the shocking discovery that his WoW account had been hacked.

Many of Uggla’s teammates have attempted to comfort him, but so far have had no success.  Catcher Brian McCann even graciously offered to give Uggla his account, but this only made Uggla angry with the catcher.

“I was a level 68 night elf!” Uggla managed to choke out between sobs, “I don’t want your f*cking level 17 dwarf!!  I could get a new account to level 17 in a couple days!  You’re a f*cking noob!!!  Keep your piece of sh*t dwarf and leave me alone!!  I poured the last two years of my life into that account and now it’s all just been taken away!  What am I supposed to do now!!  It’s true, the second you love something it all just gets taken away!”

Prince Fielder’s Ferocious Sneeze Causes Zack Greinke to Balk

Humiliated Prince Fielder Sits
Alone in Dugout

In a recent game against the Dodgers, Zack Greinke balked home a run after hearing Prince Fielder’s violent sneeze from the dugout. The sneeze was so loud that players in the opposing dugout flinched, and Matt Kemp rolled his ankle. An embarrassed Prince Fielder released this statement early yesterday morning.

“I usually don’t sneeze like that, I actually have a very feminine sneeze most of the time. This sneeze must have been building up for years, because I haven’t been able to breathe this well in a long time, and I lost a couple pounds.”

Zack Greinke nearly broke his leg on the play, as he was just starting his move towards home when he heard the sneeze. His back leg buckled and he fell awkwardly on to it. He was down for quite a while, but he remained in the game.

Detroit Tigers Call Dibs on First Five Picks in 2012 Draft

Predicted top draft pick Lance
McCullers

In an effort to restock a dwindling farm system, the Detroit Tigers announced today that are calling dibs on the top five slots in next year’s amateur draft. The announcement came after Detroit management decided they didn’t want to let the Royals, Astros, Cubs, Orioles, and Marlins get the top five players for yet another year.

“We’ve gotten sick of the best players in the draft being wasted on the same cellar-dwelling team’s year in and year out,” Said GM David Dombrowski, “So we made the decision to call dibs on the top five. We understand this is an unconventional decision, but we believe that MLB will respect the inherent laws of dibs.”

When asked about whether or not the MLB would respect the Tigers decision, Bud Selig responded that of course they would.

“We’re not barbarians. Obviously they’re going to get the first five picks. Dibs are dibs, regardless of the written rules. Quite frankly, I’m surprised no one has called it before. I have no issues taking away these picks from the other teams, it’s not like they were ever going to get any better because of those picks. The only rule we have is that a team can only dibs five picks at a time.”

Kevin Youkilis Still Unsure Why Red Sox Fans Are Booing Him

Depressed Kevin Youkilis
Desperately Seeking Fans Approval

After yet another night of being booed by Red Sox fans, Kevin Youkilis has publicly expressed his sadness about being booed day in and day out.

“I just don’t get it, what am I doing wrong?” Kevin Youkilis asked reporters after yesterday’s game. “I have a decent batting average, and my RBI totals aren’t anything to be ashamed of. Maybe it’s the way I hold my bat, or maybe it’s my facial hair. I just don’t know anymore.”

Youkilis then ran off to the change room, where he shaved all of his facial hair while sobbing uncontrollably. He then became obsessed with finding a new batting stance, although this only led to him falling quite a few times and injuring his back quite badly. Teammate Adrian Gonzalez said it was the most pathetic thing he had ever seen.

“That was just embarrassing to watch,” Gonzalez said. “How could a grown man be stupid enough to think that people are booing when in fact they’re cheering? And how could a grown man cry that hard in front of that many people? I’m ashamed that people had to see that.”

Phillies' Prospect Traded to Astros; Quits Baseball Indefinitely

In a recent trade with the Houston Astros, Philadelphia Phillies’ prospect Jonathan Singleton was traded along with three other prospects for outfielder Hunter Pence. When he learned that he was involved in the trade, he was instantly outraged.

“This is bullsh*t!” He screamed. “Absolute bullsh*t! There is no way I’m ever going to play for the Astros, they’re just too bad. Way too bad. Here I am, working my butt off in the minors, and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I’m going to play for the Phillies. Now I have nothing. You know what, I quit. I would rather not play baseball than play for the Astros.”

Jon Rauch Diagnosed With Crappy Arm Disease

Rauch looks on after blowing yet another save.

After giving up yet another home run against one of the worst teams in the majors, Jon Rauch was informed that he in fact had Crappy Arm Disease (CAD). Blue Jays front office was unsurprised and in fact was relieved that they now had an excuse to put him on the disabled list.

“We’re not disappointed at all.” Said GM Alex Anthopoulos, “In fact it was me personally that requested the team doctors examine him for CAD. The signs were all there. The man is 6’11” and his fastball tops out at 90mph with absolutely zero movement on it whatsoever. It only could be CAD that is plaguing him.”

Jose Bautista Shocked To Find Out He's Not On Steroids

In the midst of an era in baseball where anybody good is accused of being on steroids, Jose Bautista has been under intense scrutiny. When last week’s PED tests came back negative for him, nobody could believe it, including Bautista himself.

“I had always just assumed I was on steroids,” said an obviously confused Bautista, “I have always been awful at baseball, so I figured somebody must have slipped me something in an attempt to make me half-decent.”

Bautista currently leads the MLB in home runs, on base percentage, slugging percentage and is one of the league leaders in average. This is totally uncharacteristic of Bautista, who before last year was pretty much the worst player in baseball. Vernon Wells can attest to that:

Houston Astro’s Demoted to AAA; Oklahoma City Redhawks Called up to Major Leagues

Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that after months of speculation, the Houston Astro’s have been sent down to AAA. The commissioner cited an obscure rule that allows any Major League team to be demoted to another league after months of extreme suckage.

“We feel that it would be best if the Astro’s work out their problems as a franchise in an environment that is low pressure and out of the public eye,” Said Selig at the surprise announcement, “There were high hopes that they would be able to put it all together this year, but clearly it was time to pull the plug.”