Kevin Youkilis Still Unsure Why Red Sox Fans Are Booing Him

Depressed Kevin Youkilis
Desperately Seeking Fans Approval

After yet another night of being booed by Red Sox fans, Kevin Youkilis has publicly expressed his sadness about being booed day in and day out.

“I just don’t get it, what am I doing wrong?” Kevin Youkilis asked reporters after yesterday’s game. “I have a decent batting average, and my RBI totals aren’t anything to be ashamed of. Maybe it’s the way I hold my bat, or maybe it’s my facial hair. I just don’t know anymore.”

Youkilis then ran off to the change room, where he shaved all of his facial hair while sobbing uncontrollably. He then became obsessed with finding a new batting stance, although this only led to him falling quite a few times and injuring his back quite badly. Teammate Adrian Gonzalez said it was the most pathetic thing he had ever seen.

“That was just embarrassing to watch,” Gonzalez said. “How could a grown man be stupid enough to think that people are booing when in fact they’re cheering? And how could a grown man cry that hard in front of that many people? I’m ashamed that people had to see that.”

Many teammates have tried to tell him that the fans are yelling “Youk!” in support of him, but he won’t listen.

“I’m not an idiot,” he said. “I understand that our fans hate me, and once I figure out why, hopefully I can make a change and they will slowly start to support me again.”

Red Sox manager Terry Francona encourages fans to find new ways to cheer on Youkilis, preferably ones that won’t hurt his feelings.

“Kevin is a very sensitive man, and he has almost no self-confidence. If fans were to find new cheers, such as 'Lets go Kevin!' or 'We love you Kevy!' it might boost his self-esteem and he might even play better. Plus, he’d be way more fun to be around.”

Unfortunately, Red Sox fans have responded by saying that while they didn’t hate Kevin Youkilis before, now they do and will definitely be booing him now.

“I didn’t realize he was such a baby,” said one Red Sox fan. “I only liked him in the first place because he seemed so manly. Now I’m going to be so mean to him that his only options will be to leave town or get a new batting stance, whichever comes first.”