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| Rauch looks on after blowing yet another save. |
After giving up yet another home run against one of the worst teams in the majors, Jon Rauch was informed that he in fact had Crappy Arm Disease (CAD). Blue Jays front office was unsurprised and in fact was relieved that they now had an excuse to put him on the disabled list.
“We’re not disappointed at all.” Said GM Alex Anthopoulos, “In fact it was me personally that requested the team doctors examine him for CAD. The signs were all there. The man is 6’11” and his fastball tops out at 90mph with absolutely zero movement on it whatsoever. It only could be CAD that is plaguing him.”
“CAD generally only pops up later in a players career after they have experienced some amount of success and been rewarded a decent contract.” Team doctor Steve Perry explained, “After the contract has been awarded the CAD takes over the body. Signs that a pitcher might have CAD are: Blown Saves, Lots of Home Runs, No Movement, and Shitty Velocity.”
Jon Rauch now joins an ever growing list of players to suffer from Crappy Arm Disease. The likes of BJ Ryan, Eric Gagne, and Barry Zito have all been victims of CAD.
Rauch had this to say when asked for his comments on the situation.
“I’m stoked. I got paid 3.5 million this year and now it turns out I don’t even have to close games anymore. It couldn’t get any better for me. Every time I got sent out for the 9th inning my goal was to blow the game and maybe get released, but this is even better.”
Team officials hope that Rauch will be done for the season so that no one is forced to look at his gross neck tattoo anymore.
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