Prince Fielder’s Ferocious Sneeze Causes Zack Greinke to Balk

Humiliated Prince Fielder Sits
Alone in Dugout

In a recent game against the Dodgers, Zack Greinke balked home a run after hearing Prince Fielder’s violent sneeze from the dugout. The sneeze was so loud that players in the opposing dugout flinched, and Matt Kemp rolled his ankle. An embarrassed Prince Fielder released this statement early yesterday morning.

“I usually don’t sneeze like that, I actually have a very feminine sneeze most of the time. This sneeze must have been building up for years, because I haven’t been able to breathe this well in a long time, and I lost a couple pounds.”

Zack Greinke nearly broke his leg on the play, as he was just starting his move towards home when he heard the sneeze. His back leg buckled and he fell awkwardly on to it. He was down for quite a while, but he remained in the game.

“It was the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard,” a rattled Greinke said after the game. “I could tell it was a really wet sneeze, and I think I even heard it splatter against the floor. I think I might have been able to continue my pitch if it wasn’t for Ryan Braun’s shriek though. He screamed so loudly that I flinched, and because I was already off balance, I didn’t stand a chance.”

Teammate Ryan Braun, a germaphobe, was sitting beside him when it happened.

“It was disgusting, he didn’t even cover his mouth or nose! I was sprayed with snot and saliva, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit next to him again. I immediately went and showered, and I didn’t come back until I was assured that somebody had disinfected everything in the dugout. I apologized to Zack for screaming like that, but I’m sure he would have done the same thing if he was in my position.”

Prince Fielder has now been fitted for a special, soundproof mask that will protect his teammates from both the sound and the debris from any future sneezes he has. He is required to wear it at all times in the dugout, and whenever there is a runner on first base.