Jose Bautista Shocked To Find Out He's Not On Steroids

In the midst of an era in baseball where anybody good is accused of being on steroids, Jose Bautista has been under intense scrutiny. When last week’s PED tests came back negative for him, nobody could believe it, including Bautista himself.

“I had always just assumed I was on steroids,” said an obviously confused Bautista, “I have always been awful at baseball, so I figured somebody must have slipped me something in an attempt to make me half-decent.”

Bautista currently leads the MLB in home runs, on base percentage, slugging percentage and is one of the league leaders in average. This is totally uncharacteristic of Bautista, who before last year was pretty much the worst player in baseball. Vernon Wells can attest to that:


“A couple years ago me and Jose were in the cage before a game hitting baseballs off a tee, just to get warmed up before batting practice.” Former teammate Vernon Wells says, “And not a word of lie, Jose swung and missed 15 times before weakly hitting one that just barely rolled off the tee. Then he cursed loudly, threw his bat and started crying. I couldn't believe he was a major league baseball player, and now that people are calling him the best in the game, there’s no doubt in my mind he has been juicing.”



Bautista was so sure the tests would come back positive that he had already tweeted that he was “very sorry for using steroids” and he also said that “I didn’t knowingly take steroids, but hey, shit happens.” When he found out he passed the tests, he was genuinely surprised. "This comes as a huge shock to me," he said later, "because I have just transformed in a way that makes me wonder if I'm even human, or if I'm some weird hybrid between Barry Bonds and an athletic Dominican person."

While it was a relief to him at first, he soon realized that if he wasn't actually on steroids, there was a good chance he would go back to his old, shitty self.

“Now that I know I’m clean, I’m afraid I might not be able to hit home runs anymore,” said Bautista in a press conference, “the fact that I thought I was on steroids gave me the confidence I needed. Now I have nothing giving me a false sense of security, so I’ll probably see if the Pirates will take me back as a below average utility player.”