MLB Officially Apologizes to Fans of Terrible Teams

The Marlins play the Nationals
with 35 fans in attendance

Commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference last night where he apologized to all of the fans who had to watch their team play like absolute sh*t this year. The teams he included were the Astros, the Royals and the Orioles.

“On behalf of everybody involved with the MLB, I would like to formally apologize to the fans of certain teams who played downright awful this year. As a Yankees fan, I can’t even imagine what it would be like to watch a team that is 33.5 games back in their division, or a team where their best pitcher is Jake Arrieta. It’s not fair, and from the bottom of our hearts, we’re sorry that you had to go through that.”

Bud Selig also went on to say that he would have apologized to all the Marlins fans too, but then he realized that they literally had no fans, so he instead apologized to the Marlins players.

“I would also like to apologize to the Marlins organization itself. You guys haven’t gotten any support this year, so it’s no wonder that your an absolute joke of a team. But don’t fret too much, because we’ll move you to a different city soon enough. Maybe Las Vegas? That would surely be more fun than Miami.”

Selig then stressed the fact that he didn’t want to have to apologize to all of these teams again next year, because it was getting really repetitive.

“This is at least the third straight year I’ve had to do this, and I don’t want to have to do it again. If you guys would just get your heads out of your a*ses and play some decent baseball, then we could all just enjoy the season.”